Male & Female definitions
butt
female – the body part that every item of clothing ever manufactured makes “look bigger”
male – what you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning
commitment
female – a desire to get married and raise a family
male – not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend
communication
female – the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
male – scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys
entertainment
female – a good movie, concert, play or book
male – anything that can be done while drinking
flatulence
female – an embarrassing by-product of digestion
male – an endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding
making love
female – the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
male – call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed
remote control
female – a device for changing from one TV channel to another
male – a device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes
taste
female – something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good
male – something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out
thingy
female – any part under a car’s hood
male – the strap fastener on a woman’s bra
vulnerable
female – fully opening up oneself emotionally to another
male – playing football without a helmet
Phrases
WOMEN
“Yes” – no.
“No” – yes.
“Maybe” – no.
“It’s your decision” – The correct decision should be obvious by now.
“What do you want” – You’ll pay for this later.
“We need to talk” – I need to complain.
“Sure, go ahead” – I don’t want you to.
“I’m not upset” – Of course I’m upset, you moron!
“Be romantic, turn out the lights” – I have flabby thighs.
“This kitchen is so inconvenient” – I want a new house.
“I want new curtains” – and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
“I heard a noise” – I noticed you were almost asleep.
“Do you love me?” – I’m going to ask for something expensive.
“How much do you love me?” – I did something today that you’re really not going to like.
“Is my butt fat?” – Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate” – Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?” – Too late, you’re dead.
MEN
“I’m hungry” – I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy” – I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired” – I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” – I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” – I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” – I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” – I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress!” – Nice cleavage!
“You look tense, let me give you a massage” – I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong?” – What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” – I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored” – Do you want to have sex?
“I love you” – Let’s have sex now.
“I love you too” – Okay, I said it… We’d better have sex now!
“Let’s talk” – I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
“Will you marry me?” – I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
Golf terms as used by women
caddy – two women talking about a third who isn’t there to defend herself
chip – time to get your nails re-done
double bogie – “Casablanca” followed by “African Queen”
fairway – splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch
good lie – the weight shown on our drivers’ licenses
greens – the lunch we eat when we’d really love a cheeseburger
hole-in-one – time for new pantyhose
iron – what husbands should do to their shirts
rough – getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything
shaft – you watch the kids while he plays golf
tees – wearing that Victoria Secret negligee
water hazard – giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip
wedge – a too-tight bathing suit
Women’s personal ads
40-ish – 49
adventurer – 1 slept with all your friends 2 has had more partners than you ever will
athletic – flat-chested
average-looking – has a face like a basset hound
beautiful – pathological liar
contagious smile – 1 does a lot of Ecstasy 2 bring your penicillin
educated – 1 banged her political science professor 2 college dropout
emotionally secure – medicated
feminist – fat ballbuster
free spirit – junkie
friendship first – trying to live down reputation as a slut
fun – annoying
gentle – comatose
good listener – borderline autistic
new-age – all body hair, all the time
old-fashioned – lights out, missionary position only, no bjs
open-minded – desperate
outgoing – loud and embarrassing
passionate – sloppy drunk
poet – depressive schizophrenic
professional – certified bitch
redhead – bad dye-job
reubenesque – grossly fat
romantic – looks better by candle light
social – has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
voluptuous – very fat
weight proportional to height – grossly obese
wants soulmate – stalker
widow – drove first husband to shoot himself
young at heart – old bat
Men’s personal ads
40-ish – 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
athletic – watches a lot of NASCAR
average-looking – unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
educated – will patronize the shit out of you
free spirit – banging your sister
friendship first – as long as friendship involves nookie
fun – good with a remote and a six-pack
good-looking – arrogant
very good-looking – dumb as a board
honest – pathological liar
huggable – overweight, more body hair than a bear
likes to cuddle – insecure, dependent
mature – 1 until you get to know him 2 older than your father
open-minded – wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not interested
physically fit – 1 does a lot of 12-ounce curls 2 spends a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself
poet – wrote ex-girlfriend’s phone number on a bathroom stall
sensitive – cries at chick flicks
very sensitive – gay
spiritual – 1 got laid in a cemetery once 2 Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
stable – arrested for stalking, but not convicted
thoughtful – says “Please” when demanding a beer
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